As much as I love blogging, my heart has been elsewhere. I have been consumed and embarrassed of the life challenges I have been going through. I will confess, my instincts when things aren't going too well, are that I bury my head in the sand. I avoid social contact. I avoid opening up until I eventually do and then it's a geyser that I just can't stop. In hopes that I can move forward, I've decided to share what's been on my mind....
Ever since I started my career as an Early Childhood Professional, I've had the vision of eventually being a university instructor of Early Learning in Child Care. Throughout my educational "career", I worked hard to achieve the highest marks and the best standing possible so that nothing could keep me from accomplishing this goal.
Back in July of 2011, I applied to a Masters of Early Learning & Education Program. I worked for weeks on my application. I wrote and rewrote my letter of intent. I gathered my references and I loaded my application with every academic and professional achievement that I've had in the last eighteen years. With a near-perfect grade point average and three fantastic academic references, I was confident that I would get into the program.
Then I waited and waited and waited... and waited some more.
A few weeks ago, I e-mailed the program administrator to see if any decisions had been made on the applications. The answer... she wasn't sure but she hadn't received any notification of applicants who were declined either. Then she dropped the bomb... they are struggling to make a decision over applications such as mine, as my degree is an applied degree, as opposed to a "regular" degree.
My heart sunk.
She told me that if they choose me, I would receive an e-mail first, followed up by a formal letter in the mail. If they don't choose me, I will just receive a letter in the mail.
Why did she have to tell me this? I now check my e-mail at least fifty times a day (no exaggeration here)! When I see I have e-mail notifications, my heart jumps into my throat, but then sinks again when none of the e-mails are the one I have been waiting for.
Then there's the snail mail... I obsessively watch to see when our mail carrier comes to our door and then pounce on the mail box the minute she turns the corner. Flyers, magazines, bills... all huge annoyances when you're waiting on an important correspondence.
So it's been two weeks and I still haven't heard anything. I'm pretty sure I didn't get in because of a bureaucratic technicality. My family's future plans were hinged on this natural progression in education and career.
I keep looking to God... asking him why?! What plans trump this one?! What am I supposed to do with my life?! I feel like a petulant toddler stamping my feet and screaming, "God, give me answer TODAY so that I don't have to prolong this time of doubt and uncertainty!" I know the answers will come but right now all this waiting has been both exhausting and challenging.
Fortunately with every passing day I move closer to accepting that there's a good possibility I won't get into this program but it doesn't make the feelings I have any easier.
So I continue in this holding pattern and await an official acknowledgement... accepted or declined.